Tuesday the 26th of December

I do hope that u had a very good and happy Xmas ;mine was horrible.

When on the 20th of march 1998 i got diagnosis of my brain damage (PML) first i thought "very good now i have something to fight", then after a few months i wanted to get back "home" so i could try to get "my life" back and now after 8 years 9 months and 6 days i think that "my life" i try to live it as it was before and i try to live it as the goverment wants me to live that and i can pronaunce that it doesnt work so in a few months i will be ready to start all over again and i hope i will have the time and the space for it.I dont think that this is the end , my end i just think that this is the end of the trying of living my life as it was until now and as the goverment wanterd me live it;i dont know where are now all those well thinking people that think that palliative care is very good.

THURSDAY THE 21ST OF DECEMBER

Well before i forget MERRY CHRISTMAS AND A HAPPY NEW YEAR to everybody on planet Earth that i found out that i thought i was in my dreams an intergalactic princess just having a lifetime holiday on planet Earth and yesterday i discovered through the Aztec horoscope that my sign is SILEX the most common rock on planet Earth so maybe i have been here longer then just a lifetime(he,he,he).

Yesterday i was suppose to tell u about my new way of exercising and eating but i didnt have time in the day for doing so.

I am completly off my viral attack to my gut, yesterday i didnt have any headache or any fever at all so i can declare that my bug attack lasted only 3 and a half days of which only 1 was really bad (Sunday).Because of this book that i am reading now i saw answer that moderation is best and cos of this my exercising changed to accomodate that so e.g althought i keep doing mostly what i was doing before i reduce the number of repetitions, i do the same number of repetitions for both sides of the body and i have reduced the weights weight; i have introduced thanks to my main carer a new exercise that consists of putting together feet and having the knees completly apart, i do this one when my back and bottom are in rect position.1st i started doing this exercise for 5 min and then 5 min resting for about 2 days then i went into 10 min for another 3 days and then 20 min for 5 days and now i am doing about 25 min.I was doing 1/2 an hour but that was before the short braek of the bug attack.

about my food intake is more or less as it was before but more sensible; by this i mean that e.g. before i was having chesse, organic yoghurt,live yoghurt and kefir for about 8 meals a week and now i have gouda chesse(2 meals a week),goats milk yoghurt(3 meals a week) and kefir(2 meals a week).Athough in theory i was not having any cows milk as such my skin got quite bad eczema and my longs were producing quite a lot of pflem so it really makes a difference. I will talk more in the tell about my food that is quite good varied and tasty once i have finished the decoration in the kitchen.

Tuesday the 19th of December

Last saturday morning i had a little bit of diaorhea while i was in bed but i didint give much importance.This kind of little accidents happens when u have AIDS u get used to them but in the late afternoon early eve the same day i started experiencing very violent headache suprisingly,only on the left of my head but still i did not give it much importance.The night from saturday to sunday i woke up at 1.10am and i couldnt get back to sleep and the headache was still with me so at around 4.30am i took my first 2 paracethamols and when the carer arrived the same morning later on i told him that i needed to have 2 paracethamols with every meal.For breakfast i had only the liquid part, for lunch the same although liquid was very little but i had the medication with it and paracetamol;So in the larte afternoon i called the NHS direct who after asking me a few questions put me in contact with my local GP surgery whom send a doctor soon after finding out a few details about me; when the doctor came couldnt find anything wrong with me apart from the violent headache on the left side of my head so she told me to continue to take paracetamols , she gave me another painkiller and advised me that if in 2 hrs the headache had not gone i should call an ambulance but as i am so terrified of going into hosp[uital and staying there overnight in case of catching any infection there, 2 hrs past and the headache although less intense was still with me so i decided to wait and see until monday.That night i went early to bed after having supper (so some food solid).I woke up at around 12.30am i couldnt go back to sleep so the following morning that i had a different carer i stayed in bed with my headache and since i have in theory a busy day i posponed until the eve to call or not an ambulance.After lunch(i was having solid food by then )the headache dissapeared ,probably cos of so many painkillers.So that was telling me that what i had it was a bug infection in the stomach that doctor said as the most probably cause.Fortunately in my case i head only headache and no fever;on sunday i had also phobia of light but by monday afternoon had gone.Today tuesday i have no problem with the light at all my mind is as alive as my usual and i have only a very small area of small pain in the left (around my ear) so hopefully by 2moro everything will be gone and i can sleep as usual again.

If by 2moro i am back to myself i will tell u about my new eating habits and about my new exercise regime.

Friday the 15th of December

Two things i forgot yesterday about the huge deep crisis that i had last thursday the 7th.The PCT(Primary Care Trust) that was taking care of my case since march 2002 more or less decided not to found my time away in the hospice any more all cos they run out of money i call this mismanagment and cos my succesive social workers without finding out what i was doing in the hospice decided to call this time respite that if u look in the dictionary is pretty simular to rehabilitation but for the PCT seems to be closer to holiday so this is why they decided to stop its funding in my case but what they didnt realise is that as i am house bound this decision m,eans that i become a prisoner in my own home.This would be somehow ( not very easily but i can manage) managable if it wasnt cos ILF( independent living fund )every 2 years comes to "terrorise" me(well they call it checking to see if i have spend their money wisely), do i need this no i dont but i have it anyway and every 2 years more or less they reduce the money they pay me cos( i think) Tony Blair needs money for his wars...

Changing subject last wednesday i found out that my therapeutic colour is green and that i am an extroverted green.I continue reading the book GUT INSTINCT BY Pierre Pallardy i find most inlluminating and interesting in thwe sense that ia m, getting a completly new side into my recovery in which i see that everything in moderation is much better... However life is putting us on extremes constantly for example according to God bless our wellfare state if u look sick althought you my not be it gives u help but if u dont look like sick althought u are sorry u are on ur own or i better say i am getting in my own very slowly but knowing that ia m a sick as at the begining only that i look not sick.

I hope to have better thoughts next week.

Here i show You pictures of my bathroom that it a very important part of my active rehabilitation.It was finish the floor of it yesterday so it took nearly 1 week since the time i told u before;this was cos once they took off the previous floor vinyl they discovered a huge amount of dumpness so before they put the new vinyl they had to dry it so it took nearly six days (so dumped it was.It seems that Kensington Housing Trust offer me the flat in January 2002 wihtout checking thwe flat before whether it was convinent for me to move in or not.For example about 4 years ago i put the ramp in the garden that cost me £3.500 for which i went into a lot of problems with the bank i was then(First Direct) cos i could not pay the money back and when they new my difficulties they offer me a 20.000 loan so i would be able of paying back the previous loan but i was clever enough not to fall into the trap this time.As i sad i put the ramp only to find out after that i could not use it cos the garden door in the flat for security purposes does not allow me to get easily out and quite impossible to get inside;so few weeks after installing the ramp i discover that i have wasted £3.500.
There are other horror stories of my living in this flat but i prefer not to think on them...
Propably cos of this last point i went into a huge depressive crisis which i went into last week on thursday in which i thought that what was the point of continuing this "life" cos 17 years ago diagnosed with HIV,more then 8 and a half years ago diagnosed with brain damage(PML), constant problems with my carers i have to find 1 for soon after Xmas and another one for April,the bathroom needed nearly 7 days to be done and i ahd been told 1 .My life as a human being was gone as i thought a human being had to live a life before PML in which after AIDS diagnosis i am left with hidden but multiple disabilities but cos i have the will to get better i looked better and this is not working with other people it seems that i u are seek u need to look like one ... however the following day i saw a film "Fight Club" in which Holywood was giving me the solution to my crisis by showing me a control freak character that ended up creating anopther imaginary character that was sorting out his life of control freakery and addiction; but he was not happy with what this new chracter was doing and at the end he realises that is his own creation so he ends up killing himself thinking that he will stop the imaginary character but we (the spectators) discover that the imaginary character takes over the physical bnody of the "real" character.And this was the solution that i had been looking for in which before going into killimg myself i am given another oportunity by behaving diferently towards everything outside me;although i will enjoy the things i enjoy the same way the other thing that i take very seriously and tery to control them i need to take them in a more relax way and in this way whenever something does not go my way i will just move my shopulders and continue going.... On friday morning i saw my image reflected in one of the mini mirrors i ahev in my flat and i thought "...well i dont look like i am going to die any soon and my flat looks pretty enough so maybe there is another angle that i had not consider until now..." U see a few years ago i decided to start to walk a path,this path as the Spanish poet says is made when u walk but the path i chose is been desintegrated when i step foprward so nobody can follow me but i cant go backwards either;i had arrive to A POINT IN MY PATH in which i couldnt see the way forward and i didnt had the reference to the path(maybe cos my past addictions...) and cos of this in past i was feeling the depression and after watching that movie and finding the solution i saw that the angle through which i have not consider to look was the possibility of turning everything upside down in which what was down before is up now and vice versa and suddenly i had way forward;I dont have way backwards but i dont think i need it along time ago i took a oneway ticket only so my path is not going to bring me back.
anyway i talk a lot i leave it for mow until the next time .Thank u for staying with me for such a long time.

Bathroom

THURSDAY 14TH OF DECEMBER

Friday 1st of December

Hey! Today is the BIG day.I hope you do something FOR people living with HIV/Aids or better i say WITH rather then FOR.I am doing a "little bit" myself.

On Monday the 5th of March 2007 i was suppose to take again, the combination therapy that included Maraviroc but 2 events happened that help me to change my mind.On tuesday the 21st of November i recieved the weekly e-mail from NAM(national AIDS Manual) called HIV weekly in which there was a little report(62 couples/cases only) from Spain in which a member (partner) of every couple was HIV+ and having had for a few months unprotected sex the other member of the couple had not contracted HIV althought they had unprotected sex(sorry for the repetition but i think is quite significative);The article mentioned also that athought this data reflects that there wasn't transmision without any sexual protection wasnt to be taken as a talking for not having protected sex and i agree with this.On wednesday the 29th i watched the movie "Constant Gardner" which brought me rather desperate social situation in Africa; for those of u who had not seen the movie i can tell u that the "BIG" pharmacuetical companies and the big bully countries in the developed world like GB and USA abuse the desperate situation in which the people of Africa(any country) exist (i can not call it life sorry).So in my mind i put this 2 events together and i thought that although having the combination with Maraviroc may be experimentation in which people in Africa and other developing countries may benefit what this little report from Spain says to me with the mesage from that movie is that there is something important that everybody seems to be missing in the fight against HIV/AIDS , quality rather then quantity is more important.What this 62 couples are showing is that if u have quality of life in your living by this i mean balanced and very good diet/food, very good exercise regime and very good hygenic conditions in yuor living u may not need to do the usal things(like medication) in order to prevent the transmision of HIV and what is lacking in Africa and other developing countries(well Africa is not a country )is that quality of life.However they are the targwet to give them all sort of experimenting drugs.

So my little very little contribiution is not to take the experimentation of MARAVIROC in my body from Spring 2007.

I know its a very small contribiurtion but they say that a butterfly "flaps" its wings in the east of CHINA a storm happends in the west of USA(i think i am saying the right things hope u know what i mean) so i am doing to is to "flap" my wings(he.he.he!)