SUNDAY, 21 JUNE 2009
Lately, although I am feeling quite good in spirits, I am feeling a little bit "blue" within myself; I think it's to do with getting old and, of course, I am not happy about it, because there is still within my mind a hope that I may be getting body able again and go about to have lots of casual sex all over again. Of course, this is not going to happen. My mind has changed quite a lot regarding my position in life at the moment. So I don't think even if I am body able again, I might be going back to the careless life I used to live only 15 years ago.
When I touch my body I notice that the skin is lacid in some areas and I don't think it's going to be fill again with fat or muscle tissue, some of my hairs on my chest are turning grey, the skin in my upper hands is becoming soft and wrinkly and although I apply aloe vera every single night in my hands, they start to get the spots of old age.
What I am realising is that not only I am sick, but I am getting old as well. First, I was afraid of dying and now I am afraid of getting old and I don't know what is worse, knowing that I might not be getting together with other people intimately if it is because of HIV or because I am old.
We hear a lot these days about stigma and I have two of the worst stigmas anybody can have, a communicable disease and I am getting old, more so because my communicable disease is leaving me house-bound and in a wheelchair.
It is not enjoyment in knowing that my brain works better than ever before because, I think, most old people have brilliant intellectuality. And that is why in the past hamlets, villages, townships and even nations had elders to provide them with guidance for the future. And perhaps it's in here where we are having the problems we have with the climate because the European lifestyle that we are living so far whether we are in Europe or Japan needs no elders but then elders didn't deal in the past with issues like different races coming together, no gender issues, much less transgender people, sexualities and some others. So perhaps we are going through this patch in human history in order for us, elders, to learn where we need to apply our pressure.
Anyway, as you can see I am not very happy with my own image at the moment. So, you can say, that I have the blues with me at the moment.
Lately, although I am feeling quite good in spirits, I am feeling a little bit "blue" within myself; I think it's to do with getting old and, of course, I am not happy about it, because there is still within my mind a hope that I may be getting body able again and go about to have lots of casual sex all over again. Of course, this is not going to happen. My mind has changed quite a lot regarding my position in life at the moment. So I don't think even if I am body able again, I might be going back to the careless life I used to live only 15 years ago.
When I touch my body I notice that the skin is lacid in some areas and I don't think it's going to be fill again with fat or muscle tissue, some of my hairs on my chest are turning grey, the skin in my upper hands is becoming soft and wrinkly and although I apply aloe vera every single night in my hands, they start to get the spots of old age.
What I am realising is that not only I am sick, but I am getting old as well. First, I was afraid of dying and now I am afraid of getting old and I don't know what is worse, knowing that I might not be getting together with other people intimately if it is because of HIV or because I am old.
We hear a lot these days about stigma and I have two of the worst stigmas anybody can have, a communicable disease and I am getting old, more so because my communicable disease is leaving me house-bound and in a wheelchair.
It is not enjoyment in knowing that my brain works better than ever before because, I think, most old people have brilliant intellectuality. And that is why in the past hamlets, villages, townships and even nations had elders to provide them with guidance for the future. And perhaps it's in here where we are having the problems we have with the climate because the European lifestyle that we are living so far whether we are in Europe or Japan needs no elders but then elders didn't deal in the past with issues like different races coming together, no gender issues, much less transgender people, sexualities and some others. So perhaps we are going through this patch in human history in order for us, elders, to learn where we need to apply our pressure.
Anyway, as you can see I am not very happy with my own image at the moment. So, you can say, that I have the blues with me at the moment.
posted by Elfrid Walkingtree at 4:52 AM
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