Here i show You pictures of my bathroom that it a very important part of my active rehabilitation.It was finish the floor of it yesterday so it took nearly 1 week since the time i told u before;this was cos once they took off the previous floor vinyl they discovered a huge amount of dumpness so before they put the new vinyl they had to dry it so it took nearly six days (so dumped it was.It seems that Kensington Housing Trust offer me the flat in January 2002 wihtout checking thwe flat before whether it was convinent for me to move in or not.For example about 4 years ago i put the ramp in the garden that cost me £3.500 for which i went into a lot of problems with the bank i was then(First Direct) cos i could not pay the money back and when they new my difficulties they offer me a 20.000 loan so i would be able of paying back the previous loan but i was clever enough not to fall into the trap this time.As i sad i put the ramp only to find out after that i could not use it cos the garden door in the flat for security purposes does not allow me to get easily out and quite impossible to get inside;so few weeks after installing the ramp i discover that i have wasted £3.500.
There are other horror stories of my living in this flat but i prefer not to think on them...
Propably cos of this last point i went into a huge depressive crisis which i went into last week on thursday in which i thought that what was the point of continuing this "life" cos 17 years ago diagnosed with HIV,more then 8 and a half years ago diagnosed with brain damage(PML), constant problems with my carers i have to find 1 for soon after Xmas and another one for April,the bathroom needed nearly 7 days to be done and i ahd been told 1 .My life as a human being was gone as i thought a human being had to live a life before PML in which after AIDS diagnosis i am left with hidden but multiple disabilities but cos i have the will to get better i looked better and this is not working with other people it seems that i u are seek u need to look like one ... however the following day i saw a film "Fight Club" in which Holywood was giving me the solution to my crisis by showing me a control freak character that ended up creating anopther imaginary character that was sorting out his life of control freakery and addiction; but he was not happy with what this new chracter was doing and at the end he realises that is his own creation so he ends up killing himself thinking that he will stop the imaginary character but we (the spectators) discover that the imaginary character takes over the physical bnody of the "real" character.And this was the solution that i had been looking for in which before going into killimg myself i am given another oportunity by behaving diferently towards everything outside me;although i will enjoy the things i enjoy the same way the other thing that i take very seriously and tery to control them i need to take them in a more relax way and in this way whenever something does not go my way i will just move my shopulders and continue going.... On friday morning i saw my image reflected in one of the mini mirrors i ahev in my flat and i thought "...well i dont look like i am going to die any soon and my flat looks pretty enough so maybe there is another angle that i had not consider until now..." U see a few years ago i decided to start to walk a path,this path as the Spanish poet says is made when u walk but the path i chose is been desintegrated when i step foprward so nobody can follow me but i cant go backwards either;i had arrive to A POINT IN MY PATH in which i couldnt see the way forward and i didnt had the reference to the path(maybe cos my past addictions...) and cos of this in past i was feeling the depression and after watching that movie and finding the solution i saw that the angle through which i have not consider to look was the possibility of turning everything upside down in which what was down before is up now and vice versa and suddenly i had way forward;I dont have way backwards but i dont think i need it along time ago i took a oneway ticket only so my path is not going to bring me back.
anyway i talk a lot i leave it for mow until the next time .Thank u for staying with me for such a long time.