Suday, 17 February 2008

If I can choose one card of the tarot as the one that I identify the most with I choose THE FULL.
Last night I had a recurrent dream in which I find myself living in a place with other people and every time it's a different place and then i find myself going on a trip using buses or trains and I find myself going into something that seems like a retreat with different a group of people than the one I was with before the trip and after a few days I leave and go back to my former place but here comes the strange thing that i have to pay for the retreat and then I get a taxi to go to the station where i catch a train. This paying and posteriour tripping in the taxi doesn't happen only to me but it happens to everyone attending the retreat, it only happens that I am the last one always and although I have enough money to pay for the retreat I may not have enough money to go back home after the retreat. Well, going to a retreat was done by me a few years ago when I was attending five times a year during 3-4 years THE LONG TERM SURVIVORS GROUP OF PEOPLE LIVING WITH HIV-AIDS. However, last night it came for the first time an image-feeling of myself when I was a teenager, something that hasn't hapened before or at least not in this dream.
If I think deep and hard enough into who I was at that time in my life I find myself as a young boy, not especially attractive, with glasses that seem to be the bottom of a bottle and full of fears and self-doubts, somebody who started to bother about his own sexuality around the age of 17 (a bit late, I think) but who suffered the bullying attention of bulllies from the age of 4 and in consequence tried to "bury" this feeling of inadequacy, of not being a part of the "big picture". This different expression of my creative personality very deep within myself this is why I was such a mess regarding my own feelings and even I planned miticulously to kill myself 4 different times and I wrote about them in diaries from the age of 18 untill the age of 22; I never managed to go ahead with a suicide mainly because i am a coward but basically because although emitionally I was in continuous crisis, spiritually I had a strength that we can see even today and probably because of this will I made up a ring of arrogance around me that although at the beginning was protecting me from other people who unknowingly wanted to harm me later in my life became an empty gap that separated me from everybody else (well, nearly everybody).